I read this great blog today. http://specialneedsparenting.net/10-ways-help-special-needs-parents/ it hit home for me in more ways than one. People are always telling me how I need me time, or to do things for myself, etc. And let me tell you that I am fulling aware of that. But, I also love hanging out with my kids and doing things with them that include them and that will always be who I am.
But, there is another side that I am working on and it takes time. Lots.of.time. And that is the mental and emotional side of all of what we have been through. (Gosh, I had this blog all planned out today as I went to take a little cat nap, I thought to myself I need to write this down now, the cat nap won. and.. Now my thoughts are lost.)
I tried to go back to work. I think I needed to give it a shot. I am not saying that I am not going to continue to try and make it work out. But, I am saying that I don't know that I am ready, or that the time is right, or if it is feasible with my life right now. Right now my priorities are my kiddos, me, and me and Andy. I need to take time and get myself back and feel good (and it's not just getting me back, and time for myself. It's Andy too. Time for him and time for him to get out and do what he does). Someone recently told that it takes one year to feel normal after having a baby and 3 years to feel normal after having back to back pregnancies... top that off with getting diagnosed with mono, having a baby that has many medical needs at home, and a 10 week inpatient stay, followed by a 5 1/2 month NICU stay. Just think about it for one minute. Most can't wrap your head around it. and if you think you can you really don't get it. Because I can barely wrap my head around it. So, with all of that I have taken a minute to pause and realize that it is me that I need to focus on. I need to put time and energy in to my mental and emotional health right now. It is physically not possible to get the old me back. The day we went to SLC, maybe even before that, maybe when we went to Billings and received the devastating news of Zayne, that Kellie was/is forever changed. Now, it is this story, this journey, that defines me and makes me who I am. I need to process this all. I have said it before but, it's like a roller coaster. Just when you get through one stage of processing another pops up.
Sometimes I think to myself I need to get over it, I need to move on, the twins are almost two. But, I know that is all wrong. This storm forever changed me, and changed us. And although things are getting better, we are still in that storm. We would never take it back and we would do it all over again. It's the best thing that ever happened to us. But 164 days in the NBICU takes a long time to process. And just when you think you are doing great you are hit with another emotion. I can't even explain it. it is so hard. There are nights I go to bed with tears in my eyes (or as I type this with tears in my eyes) because I think of all I have experienced with Ziah and then think how, I never got to rock Zayne through the middle of the night, I never slept with him on my chest, Those feeling hurt and those emotions are hard to process.
Some say that these emotions surface as you get closer to anniversaries. It subconscious. They happen and you wonder why and then you think for a minute, Huh, it's almost Memorial Weekend, 2 years since I took that flight to SLC. or you have a traumatic event over the weekend that lands you in the ER followed with a quick trip to the OR, and like Andy said that is like tearing a scab of a old wound. They tell me it's post-partum post traumatic stress disorder.
http://www.foreverymom.com/this-nicu-nurse-is-holding-a-baby-who-lost-his-battle-and-youve-gotta-see-why/ and then there is this post that speaks volumes. "...and those of us who haven’t had a child in the NICU truly just don’t get it (wrote by a NICU Nurse)." and you don't. You don't get it. You don't know the stress and anxiety that comes from carrying twins and not knowing if one and/or both will make it. You don't know the stress and anxiety wondering every 4 hours that you have a NST will if there will be two heart beats, the stress and anxiety wondering if he will take his first breath and will he cry. Or when the Doctor comes and tells you "Your little girl is doing great but you little boy is struggling, we are doing all we can but it doesn't look good." The stress and anxiety of 164 day NICU stay. The stress and anxiety of bringing only one baby home, but not really home, to the Ronald Mcdonald House. Those feelings and emotions on what you missed out on by not bringing your baby's home to their own room. The stress and anxiety of your first year home and "making sure he doesn't get sick." Doing everything in you power to keep him healthy because EVERY doctor he has seen has told you "he can not get sick." The stress and anxiety that comes when family doesn't understand or take it serious that "he can't get sick." and even if he can get sick and will get sick and be okay the lack of respect or validation of our feelings and our stress over him getting sick. The stress and anxiety of a back to back pregnancy. And the everyday stress and anxiety of, feedings, oxygen, medications, appointments, therapy, phone calls for supplies, etc. So when people ask me how I am doing just stop and think a moment what you are really asking me. Oh, and I forgot one minor thing- the stress and anxiety of medical bills that literally are growing daily.
A co-worker recently told me "I always knew you had your hands full but I think I under estimated it." Thank you Theresa (we get each other). I can' t tell you the number of appointments we have had this year, the amount of therapies, the phone calls, 3 trips to the ER. etc. I too know my hands are full. My heart is even more full.
So mentally and emotionally I am overwhelmed. I am working on the processing. It's hard. So.hard. But, because of journey I also don't take a day for granted. I am so blessed. These three have taught me, taught us more about strength, determination, courage, fight, believing, hope, and faith than I have ever known in my whole life. I look at Zoe almost everyday and I thank her. How could something so little, something that hasn't even taken her first breath, known just how to position herself that it would save her brother (if you could of been there for the U/S and seen the picture for yourself and heard the Doctor, you would witnessed the miracle. It's a twin thing). Now they like to hit, bite, and throw each other around but, I know that bond is there (even when my heart feels broken some days because I worry that they didn't get the bond cause they were apart for so long). And then there is Zayne. When I heard him cry I knew he would make it. I knew he was a fighter. I knew it was going to be a tough tough fight but, if anyone could do it, it was Zayne. Never underestimate the fight that he is winning. Many don't make it. He is tough, tougher than anyone of us. He is here for a reason and he is making a statement.
Maureen told us early on "be the buffalo," and Dr. Dameron told me early on that all I we can do is have "hope and faith." Those two statement are what get me through on a daily basis. I have more hope in faith than I have ever had before. I chose to have that hope and faith the moment he told me and I haven't let go. It's what kept me positive. Be the Buffalo. Not many no the meaning. But it's powerful and now I face everyday of my life as the buffalo. It crosses my mind daily. One day at a time, one hour, one minute, one foot in front of the other is how I will continue to head through this storm.
I am so blessed and I wouldn't trade this journey for anything. I am completely blessed and I feel I am the luckiest person ever to have these 3 chose us to be their parents. This post is in no way meant to be negative, or sound as if I am having a hard time. Yes, there are hard times but this is me being aware of my thoughts and feelings, processing them, and learning from them. And, sometimes it just helps to write about it, and I guarantee their is another NICU Mom that has or is going through the same thing.
PS. If anyone knows someone who wants to write my story send them my way. I don't have time to write my own book.
"God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soliders."
No comments :
Post a Comment