My Remembrance.

My Dad playing pipes for one of his fallen officers at his old police dept.

Land of the free because of the brave. I think about that on this day, and many other days. I am thankful for this country (although I do not agree with a lot and I think Americans (it's America too, not 'Merica- Have respect and get it right.) have a lot of growing up to do and many need to realize that really you aren't entitled to anything.. that is a whole different blog post). But still, I am thankful for this country and our freedom, and for the most part our safety. It's a scary world out there and my heart goes out to those who live in fear everyday. My heart also goes out to those who have lost someone in the line of duty while trying to protect the rest of us. For that I will post this pic as I feel it has some significance during this holiday. Actually 2 pics. 

My Grandpa. Thanks for protecting us and being a pretty amazing Grandpa.

On with the original post. I would of felt bad had I posted this blog all about me and my feelings without recognizing what Memorial Day is all about. But, it comes with another significance and remembrance for me.  

As I started to think about this new blog post, my title thought was "one year later," but it's not

 one year later. It's now been two. Two years. It seems so long ago (not really) but in the same breath it is

 still just as real, just as vivid as the day it all happened. One year ago today I arrived in SLC not

 knowing that it was a moment that would forever change our lives and that flight I took was a

 one way flight not bringing me back to Bozeman, to our little home until a year later. And signing consent for life saving measure of the two little I was carrying. (Ha, as I read through and proof read I noticed I said One year ago today, I will just leave it. Almost one year ago today we were planning our return to Bozeman.)

We spent this weekend in SLC. We originally planned to go because it was a long weekend for

 Andy with work. But then realized there was a little more significance in going than just that.

Now we are driving home. A day earlier than we would of liked. But, the kiddos are wore out, 

Was hoping for a better pic of all of us in front of this wonderful place. But this is what I captured.
you can see a piece of my heart hanging there. 

although they were so good. They  are just almost-2-year- olds that are busy and on the go. They are pretty routine for naps and bedtime so disrupting that makes for some long interesting naps and bedtimes. I can't blame them. But they truly were Champs. We went to the zoo, walks in the park, played at parks, and spent a day at liberty park. We got to make one visit to the U which was great to see those who cared for us. Although I was hoping for a 2nd visit to drop off some gifts and see a few more friends.

I love this state and the area of SLC. Prior to coming here I was already a UTE fan Thanks to a

 group of friends I have in the area. I already said "yeah, they are right when they say the 

greatest snow on earth." And now, I feel a piece of my heart lies in SLC. I feel peace and 

comfort in SLC. Sometimes on this Journey you feel alone, because your story is one that

 nobody gets. nobody understand, and when one tries to comfort or offer their words they 

are all the things you don't want to hear. One day we were at the park in sugarhouse. I saw 

this Mom carrying around her little baby and I noticed she had on "the oxygen stickers." I went

 and introduced myself to her, listened to her story and shared my story. You instantly feel a

 connection. It's funny how we all say the same things. Her first comment was "I feel this stress just weighing on my shoulders." I feel it too dear, I definitely feel it.  As we were getting ready to leave and were walking a way she came running from across the park and said "I have a really weird question for you but I am just going to

 ask." She said "can we be facebook friends? Nobody gets it and it's so nice to talk to someone

 who gets it." Yes, we can be facebook friends.  I get it, I so get it. That simple little 

conversation meant so much to me and touched my heart. It helps to validate my feelings, that they are real, and they are normal (I am not crazy).

Our trip was good. Cut short and missed out on some things that I really wanted to do but, it's how it goes now days I guess. Saw some friends and missed out on seeing some and met some knew people (I am believer that all paths cross for a reason).

Oh, and one more story. Andy and I wanted to go out to eat on our own. That didn't happen and we are completely okay with that. We had to places we wanted to go to. We chose the Bistro as they have the best BACON cheese burgers in the world. The kiddos were restless, tired, and not wanting to be in a quite dining area. This made for a stressful, not so much enjoyable dinner for Andy and I. He took the twins out as I tried quickly to finish my burger and deal with Ziah. Their was a large table across from us (this place is very small, maybe 10 tables. But there bacon is worth a million dollars...seriously). As I finished eating, holding Ziah, payed the bill, and cleaned up the mess on the floor and on the table (everyone should be a server at some point in their life and then you would never complain about service, food, and you would clean up after yourself...take note) but as I gather up everything, the table across from me (much older adults) started clapping and said "Good Job Mom, You are a Good Mom, We have all been there." As I fought back tears I said "Thank you" which I wanted to follow up with "you have no idea," but I let that go. I was so thankful and touched by there awareness and kindness.

Here are a few phone pics from the weekend. I have better ones on my camera. Not going to get them on here tonight. I feel like I am leaving this blog unfinished. There is probably more to say. But for now this is it.

"You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."

He is crazy. He will climb anything. We keep the ER and Insurance in business.

Playing in the park. Waiting ever so patiently to be big.

His Buddy. He waited a long time to give him knuckles.  Love this pic so much. 

Coolest dude ever. Coolest girl ever. Yes, we know. 

My love for ducks. 

Jace says, "He doesn't stop does he?" NOPE!

Sleeping beauty. Again ever so patient waiting to be big. Take your time little one. 

Hogal Zoo. One of my favorites. 

These guys are magnificent 

Love this pic. Just need on more bird to be sitting there. 

These guys are magical.

Zoe's Favorite. He was playing peek-a-boo. We both wanted to take him home. 

SLC flowers are like none other (you should see their Roses). These are my favorite.

Another favorite pic. Can she possibly get any cuter. 

Playing in the grass.

Our comedian. 

Hanging with Maureen. We are so blessed to have her in our lives. 

I guess this is why we left early.

This guy. Prior to this he ate some hot sauce, hence the red face. 

His buddy. 

Me. Myself. And I.

Wednesday May 25, 2016: 
I read this great blog today. http://specialneedsparenting.net/10-ways-help-special-needs-parents/ it hit home for me in more ways than one. People are always telling me how I need me time, or to do things for myself, etc. And let me tell you that I am fulling aware of that. But, I also love hanging out with my kids and doing things with them that include them and that will always be who I am. 

But, there is another side that I am working on and it takes time. Lots.of.time. And that is the mental and emotional side of all of what we have been through. (Gosh, I had this blog all planned out today as I went to take a little cat nap, I thought to myself I need to write this down now, the cat nap won. and.. Now my thoughts are lost.)

I tried to go back to work. I think I needed to give it a shot. I am not saying that I am not going to continue to try and make it work out. But, I am saying that I don't know that I am ready, or that the time is right, or if it is feasible with my life right now.  Right now my priorities are my kiddos, me, and me and Andy. I need to take time and get myself back and feel good (and it's not just getting me back, and time for myself. It's Andy too. Time for him and time for him to get out and do what he does). Someone recently told that it takes one year to feel normal after having a baby and 3 years to feel normal after having back to back pregnancies... top that off with getting diagnosed with mono, having a baby that has many medical needs at home, and a 10 week inpatient stay, followed by a 5 1/2 month NICU stay. Just think about it for one minute. Most can't wrap your head around it. and if you think you can you really don't get it. Because I can barely wrap my head around it. So, with all of that I have taken a minute to pause and realize that it is me that I need to focus on. I need to put time and energy in to my mental and emotional health right now. It is physically not possible to get the old me back. The day we went to SLC, maybe even before that, maybe when we went to Billings and received the devastating news of Zayne, that Kellie was/is forever changed. Now, it is this story, this journey, that defines me and makes me who I am. I need to process this all. I have said it before but, it's like a roller coaster. Just when you get through one stage of processing another pops up. 

Sometimes I think to myself I need to get over it, I need to move on, the twins are almost two. But, I know that is all wrong. This storm forever changed me, and changed us. And although things are getting better, we are still in that storm. We would never take it back and we would do it all over again. It's the best thing that ever happened to us. But 164 days in the NBICU takes a long time to process. And just when you think you are doing great you are hit with another emotion. I can't even explain it. it is so hard. There are nights I go to bed with tears in my eyes (or as I type this with tears in my eyes) because I think of all I have experienced with Ziah and then think how, I never got to rock Zayne through the middle of the night, I never slept with him on my chest,  Those feeling hurt and those emotions are hard to process. 

Some say that these emotions surface as you get closer to anniversaries. It subconscious. They happen and you wonder why and then you think for a minute, Huh, it's almost Memorial Weekend, 2 years since I took that flight to SLC. or you have a traumatic event over the weekend that lands you in the ER followed with a quick trip to the OR, and like Andy said that is like tearing a scab of a old wound. They tell me it's post-partum post traumatic stress disorder.

http://www.foreverymom.com/this-nicu-nurse-is-holding-a-baby-who-lost-his-battle-and-youve-gotta-see-why/  and then there is this post that speaks volumes. "...and those of us who haven’t had a child in the NICU truly just don’t get it (wrote by a NICU Nurse)." and you don't. You don't get it. You don't know the stress and anxiety that comes from carrying twins and not knowing if one and/or both will make it. You don't know the stress and anxiety wondering every 4 hours that you have a NST will if there will be two heart beats, the stress and anxiety wondering if he will take his first breath and will he cry. Or when the Doctor comes and tells you "Your little girl is doing great but you little boy is struggling, we are doing all we can but it doesn't look good." The stress and anxiety of 164 day NICU stay. The stress and anxiety of bringing only one baby home, but not really home, to the Ronald Mcdonald House. Those feelings and emotions on what you missed out on by not bringing your baby's home to their own room. The stress and anxiety of your first year home and "making sure he doesn't get sick." Doing everything in you power to keep him healthy because EVERY doctor he has seen has told you "he can not get sick." The stress and anxiety that comes when family doesn't understand or take it serious that "he can't get sick." and even if he can get sick and will get sick and be okay the lack of respect or validation of our feelings and our stress over him getting sick. The stress and anxiety of a back to back pregnancy. And the everyday stress and anxiety of, feedings, oxygen, medications, appointments, therapy, phone calls for supplies, etc. So when people ask me how I am doing just stop and think a moment what you are really asking me. Oh, and I forgot one minor thing- the stress and anxiety of medical bills that literally are growing daily. 

A co-worker recently told me "I always knew you had your hands full but I think I under estimated it." Thank you Theresa (we get each other).  I can' t tell you the number of appointments we have had this year, the amount of therapies, the phone calls, 3 trips to the ER. etc. I too know my hands are full. My heart is even more full. 

So mentally and emotionally I am overwhelmed. I am working on the processing. It's hard. So.hard. But, because of journey I also don't take a day for granted. I am so blessed. These three have taught me, taught us more about strength, determination, courage, fight, believing, hope, and faith than I have ever known in my whole life. I look at Zoe almost everyday and I thank her. How could something so little, something that hasn't even taken her first breath, known just how to position herself that it would save her brother (if you could of been there for the U/S and seen the picture for yourself and heard the Doctor, you would witnessed the miracle. It's a twin thing).  Now they like to hit, bite, and throw each other around but, I know that bond is there (even when my heart feels broken some days because I worry that they didn't get the bond cause they were apart for so long). And then there is Zayne. When I heard him cry I knew he would make it. I knew he was a fighter. I knew it was going to be a tough tough fight but, if anyone could do it, it was Zayne. Never underestimate the fight that he is winning. Many don't make it. He is tough, tougher than anyone of us. He is here for a reason and he is making a statement. 

Maureen told us early on "be the buffalo," and Dr. Dameron told me early on that all I we can do is have "hope and faith." Those two statement are what get me through on a daily basis. I have more hope in faith than I have ever had before. I chose to have that hope and faith the moment he told me and I haven't let go. It's  what kept me positive. Be the Buffalo. Not many no the meaning. But it's powerful and now I face everyday of my life as the buffalo. It crosses my mind daily. One day at a time, one hour, one minute, one foot in front of the other is how I will continue to head through this storm. 

I am so blessed and I wouldn't trade this journey for anything. I am completely blessed and I feel I am the luckiest person ever to have these 3 chose us to be their parents. This post is in no way meant to be negative, or sound as if I am having a hard time. Yes, there are hard times but this is me being aware of my thoughts and feelings, processing them, and learning from them. And, sometimes it just helps to write about it, and I guarantee their is another NICU Mom that has or is going through the same thing. 

 PS. If anyone knows someone who wants to write my story send them my way. I don't have time to write my own book. 

"God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soliders."

Red Lodge.

All loaded and on the road.
Only forgot one minor thing! KLYDE! Oops

Our first family of 5 getaway! Yeah, we did it. We survived. We spent the weekend of March 19, 20, and 21st in Red Lodge, Montana. Shhh.. It's our secret little getaway, find your own! We met Andy's Aunt and Uncle and two cousin's there, Connie. John, Joey and Scott. This is our second time going and we are hoping to make this Annual. for us it may be bi-annual as we like to escape here in the summer/fall also. 

I don't even know where to begin when it comes to posting a few pics from this trip. We have soooo many. My goal is to make a slide show, I think I need to hire a life manager, someone who wants to make checks off the list. Anyone interested, taking applications, or you're simply hired if you want the job??

Red lodge was great, the weather was amazing especially the first day that we were there. Andy and I went there with great intentions to take a snowboard day together, but again.

My little shredder. Just love this picture. 

.. with 3 little's it's near impossible... Which, is okay. We have a ton of fun playing with them, especially taking them down the bunny hill with us riding on our snowboards. The look on their face is priceless. And, NO... we don't NEED to start them on ski's first. If and when we switch them to ski's it will be their choice or yes.. because it was easier. But...There were 3 1/2 year old twin snowboarders at red lodge, shredding the bunny hill, who gave me full reassurance that we are doing it right. In other words.. I don't need or want you two-cents. 

It was great getting to hang out with some Minnesota family again. Connie and John are so great, and so fun to hang out with. They are so good to us and to the kiddos. Zoe definitely bonded with Connie. At one point she even cried when Connie left and Connie came back to get her she willingly went with her, Not like Zoe at all as she is quite the Mama's girl. 

Our days were filled with going to the hill, snowboarding, playing, swimming, and we even snuck in a little shopping and a brewery stop. 

So thankful for this little trip. It was so needed and good for Andy and I to realize we can still get out and do what we love. Just takes much longer. Ahhh.

This stud. Making a statement. Always.

Bubbles are always fun.

 

My Little Cupcake. Love her.

Papa and Zayne. Zayne's first time shredding. He loved it. He even helped us buckle our boots in. 

She is going to be a pro. Look out. 

Missing John. Someone has too take the picture. 

Papa and Zayne feeding the deer.

Love this kind soul.