Baby What?

A, B....C? no Zoe and Zayne are not yet learning their ABC's. I figured it was time to post a blog (or go back and make sure there is a blog post) on the latest and greatest craziness in out lives.

Back in January. I went to a class at the University titled "Will my next baby be preterm?" I had always wanted to go to this class throughout our NBICU stay. Andy on the other hand was pretty much like "No, not needed. We are not doing this again."

Their was a part of me that has always wanted 3 kids...Andy 2. When I brought Zoe home, I thought to myself, Having one would of been nice. Honestly, I don't even know how these thoughts pop in your head because as a Mama they make you feel awful. But, I am just being honest and saying that the thought crossed my mind.

So, Back to the class. One day the social worker in the NBICU came and told Andy that I should really attend that class.  So, Andy came home and said "I really think you should go to this class, it would be good for you." I was like "Okay, great- Do I really need to go though? Well, I will go." It was put on by he Doctor who was suppose to deliver Zoe and Zayne so that is another reason why I wanted to go.

It was a great class and was very interesting. I learned that after delivering preterm, you automatically fall into a 30% category of delivering preterm again (well that is kind-of scary). This Doctor goes over ways to prevent or help in delivering preterm again. Her biggest take home "Wait 18 months in between pregnancies." Okay. I did ask her though, that I felt my story really didn't fall into a category because it was so rare. Her response was "I don't really know where to put you." She said "There will never be 100 Kellie's for us to study, I will probably never see another Kellie." But that she felt I still fall into that 30% regardless and that waiting 18 months would be best. So we chatted afterwards and came up with a plan. I would call her the following week.

Let me humor you, I think prior to going to this class, I took a home pregnancy test. HAHA right, that's funny. Whew.  It was negative. I remember calling my good friend Lorissa and telling her. Both of us were kind-of laughing. I remember her saying, "oh, you will do that often after having a baby, until things get back to normal." Okay, good "at least this is normal , right?"

So a week goes by and I think nothing of it. One day as I am getting into the shower. I think well I have one more test left, I might as well humor myself.  So I take the test, set it aside  and think nothing of it. As I am getting into the shower I take a quick peek at the test lying there... Wait a freakin second...Is there 2 lines there? Most freaking definitely. To say I was shocked, is a understatement. I think I was instantly numb. I remember thinking "how the heck am I going to tell Andy this one?"

God doesn't prevent stupidity, that I am well aware of. But, Never did I think this is something that would happen. It took us two years for Zoe and Zayne. So, It was the furthest thing from my mind. Not to mention the amount of stress that we were under being in the NBICU.

Andy was in California when I found out. So I had pretty much a week of keeping this info to myself, freaking out, and trying to process it even a little bit. I remember calling Andy everyday "Have you done your presentation yet?" The answer continued to be No. Then on Thursday he called quickly and said "Hey, we just finished up and I am going to the bar to have a drink and I will call you later." (in my head I was thinking, hold on one minute and I will really give you something to have a drink about). I told him that I really needed to talk to him. I was so nervous and so scared to tell him. I was shaking on the other end. He later told one of his friends that he assumed I was going to tell him I spent $300 at target or something (as he knows how frugal I am with money). "I am pretty sure I am pregnant!" His response- "Oh, my god." Now we are both in shock. I really didn't want to tell him over the phone but, I felt he needed some bar time and a flight home to process this news.

Again, I would be lying if thoughts didn't go through our head such as "we can't go through with this pregnancy." Zayne had literally just got discharged from the NBICU. My thoughts were I physicallty and emotionally can not do this, Andy agreed. That itself is a feeling you never want to think about and when you do have these thoughts its followed by many guilty feelings. I remember thinking... Hmm, I think this ones due date will be close to the twins original due date. I calculated it out one day, close? Yep, close as in the same due date. 9-18. Weird. What are the chances?

I called my Doctor in SLC, I was suppose to call anyways this week as we had a plan. Little did she know plans changed. When she called me back  I said "I think I am pregnant." Her response "Are you serious?!" Yep, I think I am.
I then called my Doctor here in Bozeman, partly for support, but also knowing she would probably be caring for me, and also she was such a help with Zoe and Zayne. I sent her a text and let her know it was no rush in calling me back. She called me later that evening. The first thing she said is "I was hoping that I am not calling you because of postpartum depressions." I told her I was really trying to avoid it.  I told her the news and she was genuinely excited/thrilled. I remember telling her "at least someone is happy." She said that "this is so great, that she is so happy for us, and that we deserve this."

We do deserve this right? This is truly a gift from above. Someone once said "surprise pregnancy's are the best one." Andy also said "I want nothing more than for you to have a normal pregnancy." Normal, how can I have a normal pregnancy? Will I?

I made my first appointment. I did have the conversation of what my options. I had to have a early U/S as I had a ectopic  pregnancy prior to the twins. (Yes, the past two years have been incredible). When I went in for the U/S, I went by myself. I was also put in the same room where we did all of Z&Z U/S's- so I had just a little bit of anxiety. I remember them saying "there's your baby," and part of me wishing it was in the wrong spot or not developed enough. I then saw my Doctor and the NP, and they answered my question, gave hugs in support, and told me they supported me regardless of what we do. I then would have a U/S again in 3 weeks as this one was a little bit behind where it should be (Just like Zayne was).

Baby C

So 3 weeks later I went in, again by myself, again in the same room as where we were with Z&Z. They took a quick peak and sure enough, there was the baby. It's little fist were up as if it were boxing, making a boxing motion. Okay, this is the real deal... and how the heck do people look at that and still make the decision to not follow through with the pregnancy. As I saw these two little fist boxing at me, the tears started flowing, I was completely overwhelmed in emotions. I then went to see my Dr. and the NP. The NP asked me if I had any questions, as I sat there crying... my one question, "What kind of vehicle will I drive?" As she laughed at me and gave me a hug (she too has twins) She said "well, if this were to happen to any one it happened to the right person, if this is your only question, you are going to do just fine." She then told me, all you can do is laugh. Laugh your way through this. Things are going to be great and you guys are going to do great.

Things are going to be great and we are going to be great. Things happen for a reason. My friend Bethany also told "if this was going to happen to any one, it would happen to you." So true, this is my luck. Only this time we really are lucky. We feel blessed to be chosen and given this gift.

I have had a hard time processing it and enjoying this pregnancy which is unfortunate but also to be expected. Having the same due date hasn't been easy, as every milestone with this baby is a reflection back on Z&Z most being us not knowing if baby B would make it.

Our announcement. They actually cooperated :) 

We chose not to tell anyone (our primaries knew) until sometime around 22-23 weeks. Basically waited until viability, and until we got to where we were with the twins when we got sent to SLC. I had our pics taken by a retired NBICU nurse who has a similar story to ours. When we went to finish our pics with Zayne, I told her our news. She too chuckled but said it's going to be great. As we were leaving, I asked her if it was really hard. She said "I am not going to lie, it was the hardest thing I did." "I cried a lot." "But, it was the best thing that ever happened to us, and it cured me from the NBICU experience." I really took that to heart and still hold on to that advice.

When we were getting ready to leave SLC, my favorite Doctor stopped over to say good-bye. He was the resident that was suppose to deliver Z&Z also. The last thing he said to me was "Do me a favor, Don't let post traumatic stress ruin the enjoyment of this pregnancy." I told him I would do my best. I will say it has been far from easy to enjoy it for many reasons. But, I am hoping that now that I have made it past 33 weeks I can enjoy it from here on out. Also Z&Z keep me so busy that I don't have time to even think about being pregnant. Some days I just look at Andy, point to this belly, and ask "how is this really happening?" He reminds me "your having a baby."

So there is our story about Baby C. This pregnancy has been going great. I have had lots of appointments, lots of U/S, and Andy has to give me a weekly injection (He is sure by now that he is deserving of a Honorary Nursing degree, I agree). I have felt great through most of this pregnancy, other than wicked tailbone pain. I have been told I need to do PT for it, although finding time in between Zayne's cares, therapy, appointments, and my appointments, and twins makes it somewhat difficult. Baby C is measuring small so they have continued to do growth U/S and make  sure the baby is still growing. I already spent one night in labor due to having contractions every 3 minutes and was given a medication to stop/slow them down. It wouldn't be our journey without a little excitement. I am still working on processing this all. I am scared and nervous. I know I am taking the proper measure for myself, Andy, and Zoe and Zayne. I also know that this is a blessing, and even though I may not see it now or be able to process it now, in a few short weeks we will be meeting someone special who will reassure me. Back in June, I had to get my labs drawn and I have had my labs drawn by this same guy several times so we have a bit of a bond. As I told him our story of the past year and of Baby C, He says "I think it is great, you are lucky, some people would give anything to be in your shoes." I continue to remember this and remind myself of this. I know many people would give anything to be in our shoes.  We are lucky to have been blessed with these 3 miracles, no matter how close they come. Life happens on it's own, when it wants to. Andy likes to say "we are just efficient."

"Every Good and Perfect Gift is sent from Above."