"Life is tough but so are you."

Life is tough but so are you...(I started this blog post the end of July, It's taken me that long to get it posted) I received this little reminder in the mail the other day as part of Zoe and Zayne's Birthday gift for the dearest Maureen. It couldn't have com at a more perfect time. Sometimes I find it funny how life works. It amazing what you can go through, what you learn from it, who you become because of it, and where the journey will continue to take you. These past couple weeks I have been overwhelmed with emotions. Emotions that I can't even explain. I have felt sad, really sad- I am not a sad person and to feel sadness everyday is frustrating. I also feel frustration, anger, annoyance, you name it, it's there. I started to think something is wrong with me, that I am not going to make it through this journey, I asked myself am I depressed? I fear that people will view me as a weak person, or I will hear the words "think of how lucky you are?" "think of what a miracle he is." or to "move on, stop reflecting." I have become quite sensitive to these words and phrases. Don't think for one dang minute we don't think about how lucky we are, what miracles they are, etc.

Truth is I will always reflect back on this journey. These two have given me a strength that I/we never knew I had. They have shown me strength and what it truly means to be a fighter. I have always said that a preemie is the toughest person you will ever meet and they will show you more strength in the first few hours than you could ever imagine. These two have taught me more in their short time here, they have given me new meaning to life, and have forever changed me as a person. They have taught us about love, life, and given a whole knew meaning to the "simple things in life (something I live by)." They day I went to SLC knowing I was on bedrest for the foreseeable future was the day I knew that this journey would forever change me/us as a person.

They say God only gives you what you can handle. Some how I have been able to reflect back on this journey and I actually feel honored to have been given this journey. I feel honored and humble that I have been given these two miracles, that they choose us to be their Mommy and Daddy, and that we were chosen to be their Mommy and Daddy because someone knew we were tough enough, stong enough, and would love them no matter what more than any other person out there. That we have this amazing story and this amazing journey to share. And, when we found out about Baby C, and I had many tears at first, I now feel honored to have been given this surprise gift, truly a gift.

I have spent a lot of time these past few weeks reflecting, thinking about what we have went through, and where we are now. The emotions come out of no where and you have to sit back and figure out how to process them. There are times when I wonder "am I going crazy,?" "am I going to survive this?" Don't get me wrong. I am so happy. Zoe and Zayne are the greatest. But I would be lying if I said it's not overwhelming. Twins itself can be overwhelming, but having twins, being pregnant, and doing all of Zayne's extras is very much overwhelming. Plus as we approach their one year birthday, there is much reflection. I feel we just got out of the NBICU, I feel we missed out on so much with Zayne. I feel we really didn't get settled or into our own routine until we were home here in Bozeman, really just in time for them to turn a year. I also hit 33 weeks with this pregnancy on their birthday (being they have the same original due dates). That itself causes me anxiety and fear. But, I am getting through it. I know that I am doing what is best for me and my family.

Our day to day routine with twins is not bad. We are a great team and are developing as much of a routine as you can develop with twins. I love when people ask "what kind of schedule are they on?" Ahh... A twin schedule. The frustrations that come are with the routine that follows Zayne. It breaks my heart to even have these frustrations but this is my honesty and this is what helps me get through this. The cords are overwhelming, they are always tangled, always caught on something. It's frustrating to not just be able to pick Zayne up and snuggle somewhere, or go walk to the mailbox, or outside. It's frustrating that if you do get a chance to lay down with him and take a nap, the minute you fall asleep his feeding is beeping off, or better yet it has come disconnect and it's leaked all over the place. Or having appointments 3-5 (try a make a routine just with that) times a week when all you want is a day to relax, take a nap, go for walk,  or sit outside with them. Really, this is my honesty and this helps me to process and get through this, People are going to have their opinions as they read this. And many will say "Think of how lucky you are." But, until you are here and you are doing this day in and day out, please do not judge and keep your comments to yourself.  It's also frustrating that when you talk with others the focus is always "How is Zayne feeding, How is Zayne's Oxygen, What is Zayne doing? Is he walking, is he crawling, is he eating etc. etc. Followed by how is Zoe?" A simple how is Zayne and how is Zoe would be great. We will be sure to give updates when there are some.

The PTSD following a year like we have had is hard. It creeps up on you, it's there subconsciously and all of the sudden you have these feelings and  you don't know why, you have days of tears and you don't know why, days of frustration and anger and  you don't know why, and days of sadness. You try to process all that has happened and you are completely overwhelmed. I remember in the NBICU when one of the social workers came and talk to me and said that it was so important to talk to them, or a counselor, That situations like this are so hard on marriages and they have seen to many fall apart. I have talked with other NBICU Moms who this has happened to, or are still struggling. I feel so fortunate. Somehow Andy and I feel blessed to have been given this journey. It has made both of us better people. We both came out ahead and came out stronger, and came out a stronger team. That I am thankful for.

I used to, and still do worry that I haven't bonded with Zayne the way I should. But through talking to people I have come to realize it is situational and more PTSD  and I need to learn how to separate what I still feel from the pregnancy/bedrest/and 164 NBICU stay, from what is normal to feel as a Mom of Twins, and especially as a first-time Mom-Mom of twins. Someone told me that at 16 weeks when we found out that there was a very slim chance of Baby B's survival subconsciously I put up a wall to protect myself from the hurt of that loss. Then when I got transferred to SLC, when we talked about what resuscitation measure we wanted if any, when we signed consents for life saving measures, that wall got bigger. And it only continued to get bigger as I spent 10 weeks on bedrest and being told that the outcome of B was not good. Then when he was born and as he continued to make progress, that wall never really goes down because you are protecting yourself subconsciously. I never had thought of it this way  but it completely makes sense to me now. It may be this way for quite some time/maybe always. We will always fear Zayne getting sick, RSV is our worst enemy, and respiratory illnesses. But he is a fighter, the toughest guy we know.

I also know that we were given this journey for a reason. I know that this journey will allow me to give back to other Moms. As a NICU nurse myself I feel I have so much to offer to other Moms  and Dads.  Who knows where my career with go from here. But, I have been blessed with this amazing story, 2 amazing miracles. that will make a difference in the lives of others. I am forever grateful.

Sometimes I feel I cannot get my words out, my feelings, or my emotions, it's hard to put it all on paper. But, I am doing my best and this blog is helping me.

http://themighty.com/2015/08/the-best-advice-i-ever-received-as-a-nicu-mom/

http://themighty.com/2015/08/to-the-preemie-mom-who-is-expecting-again/

And yes, WE GOT THIS! Go Z team!


"We're a part of something special....Stay Humble." -Nahko Bear

I believe in the good things coming.

Still catching up. But, at least I am finding time to get these blog post up. It helps me to journal all that we have been through and are going through. Hopefully my blog can be shared and it can help other Moms and Dads out there who are on a journey of their own. If not, I am at least doing it for me. I joke that it will be nice to reflect back on this blog when I am old and can't remember anything or when I just can't remember anything because I have raised 3 kids 13 months and under :)

We have hit 11 months. Wow! 11 Months. I continue to enjoy each and everyday, even if time chooses to not slow down. I wish we had more days in the week and more hours in the day.

July 28 U/S- 32 weeks, Weighing in at 3# 14oz!

Lets start with Baby C. We had a U/S on July 1. All looks well with baby. Developing well. But Baby C does measure small. They want to see babies above 10% on U/S, Little C comes in at 11%. For me this does not cause me much worry, not after all we have been through. But, our Doctor reminded us "the baby is small... and we will continue to watch the growth from here on out." So we will continue to have more U/S. We had a repeat U/S on July 28 with the same results. 11% measuring small. So we will do another U/S in a month. I continue to feel great. Someday's I think I forget I am even preganant, I don't even have time to think about it. I continue to have awful tailbone pain. It comes from twins and back to back pregnancies. I am still trying to make that PT appointment. HaHa, I definitely like my sweets this time around, But the way I see it- At least I have a appetite this time and the baby is small so a little extra sugar might help :) We have chosen not to find out the gender. It's funny too as I really have no feelings as to what Baby C is.

I can't tell you the amount of joy that Z&Z bring to our lives every day. They are constantly changing, growing, and doing new things. They are so fun and so busy.  Zayne had a F/U appointment on July 10, weighing it at 17# 7oz. All looks well, he continues to be gaining weight and following his own curve. He did end up going back in on July 14th and has another ear infection. Argh! So, another dang round of antibiotics (I hate antibiotics,)

We had a great 4th of July weekend. It was pretty chill. We just sat home and played with the kiddos and grilled. Relaxing. How can I forget to mention that it was also Klyde's Birthday on the 4th of July. 10 years old for Grandpa. It's been a rough past month for Klyde. Shortly after we got home Klyde started to have some back problems and was in a lot of pain. He was at the vet several times. They believe he has degenerate back disease. I really thought it was possible that I was going to have to put him down, there were many tears. But we then started him on steroids and he is like new again, not sure if that is a good thing or bad (he drives us crazy). But, I am so glad he is not in any pain.

 

On July 18th we went to a music festival in Ennis, Montana called 'Moods of the Madison.' I have been looking forward to this for quite some time. Jon Wayne and the Pain played Saturday afternoon and then my favorite 'Medicine for the People' played early that evening. It was quite hectic getting out of the house as the kiddos missed their nap due to Maddie barking and waking them up. Andy and I joked as we were driving to the festival, that it felt as though we had already ran a marathon before we even got there. They kiddos did awesome at the festival. It was really hot, but gorgeous out. Zayne was quite impressed with the hula hoopers and the people who spin the ball deals. They both put on their ear protection with no complaints and go right up front to watch Jon Wayne and the Pain play and then Medicine for the people. In fact they both fell asleep a couple of times while watching the music. The festival was great, and I was quite excited to get to see Mr. Nahko Bear play. The one disappointing thing that I hope to see changed next year is that they pretty much kicked Nahko off the stage when his 45 minutes was up. I hope it doesn't leave a bad taste for Montana and that he will still come back here to play.

Mr. Nahko Bear and Jon Wayne!

  

Andy had to go out of town the end of July. This is my least favorite thing. Putting twins down for bedtime by yourself is nearly impossible. Luckily I only had to do it one night, I almost had to phone a friend, I  would not of survived a whole week of bedtimes by myself. My Mom, Jocelyn, Mindy, and Mya came out to stay with me. Although my house was quite crowded, it was so nice to have their help. I was especially happy that Little Miss Mya got to come and visit as she has never met the twins before. She is so good with little ones. It was so fun to watch her pick up either one of them, put them under her arm and away she went with them.  I have to share the picture below and the story. Mya was holding Zayne like you see in the picture. His feet were on top of hers and they were walking around the house like this. My sister says: "Mya what are you doing?" Mya replies: "He is the train and I am the tracks." Too darn cute, and so smart for Mya to think like that. 

The train and his Tracks.

We didn't get to do a whole lot while they were here, which is unfortunate. But, it's hard to plan anything these days when there are my appointments, and all of Zayne's appointments. I think on average we have at least 3-5 appointments a week, probably more towards 5+ a week. 

I also spent the week cleaning and getting things ready for their 1st Birthday Party. We didn't have a huge party. Just did a small little get together with our close friends. Honestly, it gets to be a lot. (blog post on first birthday coming soon!)

Overall it was a great week having my family here while Andy was out of town. I honestly don't think I could do it all by myself for a week. 

One last picture for this blog post. I can't leave Baby C out of having a belly photo pic. This was taken on one of our walks at 32 weeks. 

June

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June 2, 2014: So 10 months! Wow! How are we here. Like I said it is both a happy time and emotional time. Many times I look back and feel like we have missed out and have been robbed of the way things "should be." It's sometimes is worse being home here in Montana, looking at our life in boxes, and the nursery that they have yet to use. But then this is our "normal" and I am thankful everyday for the smiles I get from these two and the amount of happiness that they have and that they bring to Andy and I.  We continue to just take it one day at a time. 

Zoe continues to be her funny, crazy, wild self. She started to show a temper these last two days. Let's just hope that it is due to teeth coming in and not feeling well. She has two top teeth coming in, learned to stand 2 days ago, and last night showed us she could do a small little crawl vs scoot. She is full of happiness, thinks she is so funny, loves to snuggle, go for stroller rides, take a bath, play with Maddie, Mom, and Dad. Loves to play guitar with her Dad. Oh, I almost forgot- Zoe has started to show great interest in her brother, although she is a bit rough.

Snotty noses and all we can still get some smiles. 

Zayne is one tough kiddo. Even being as sick as he is, he still shows us his happy little self. He can sit, he can scoot on his back. He too loves to take a bath, loves to sit with his Dad on the couch at night, and I think his most favorite is giving kisses. He is such a kind hearted, sweet, loving little boy. He is also Mister sensitive. Sometimes Zoe can't even put a finger on him with out tears, yet he can kick  Zoe in the head and she finds it funny. It is so fun to finally watch them have interest in each other and interact with each other a little bit. Zayne is also working hard on his feedings, I continue to tell him he has to have cake and ice  cream on his Bday, I think he is finally striving to reach the same goal.

They had their 10 month appointment which went great. Zoe weighs in at 17# 5oz. and Zayne weighs in at 16# 6oz. They both had to go on antibiotics for colds and Zayne had his first ear infection. Not fun for Mom and Dad. I can't stress enough the importance of not coming around to visit Z&Z if you are sick, been sick, or been around people who are sick. It's a simple request that we ask and hope you will respect.

 Zoe and Zayne had their 3 week check-up after being sick and on antibiotics. It was really a check-up for Zayne but we snuck in a quick peak for Zoe. They both got a clean bill of health which was a relief. Zayne is up to 17# 2oz. And Zoe at her 10 month appt. was 17# 5 oz. I would imagine now she is a bit over 18# mark. Both are doing great. Both are so busy. Zoe is on the go. Busy, Busy, Busy. She is crawling every where and has learned to stand (June 1st) and pull herself up on everything. She is into everything also and finds that anything that is not a toy is the coolest. She loves her swimming pool in the back yard, and loves it even more when we go to the big pool. She is full of spunk, fearless, and finds herself comical.

 Zayne is also doing great. Andy and him have their evening work out sessions. He finally can roll from his tummy to back and is getting so, so much better at holding his head up while on his tummy. We are working on rolling from back to tummy. He too loves the pool. Their new thing this month is waving. They love to wave at anyone and everyone and they are so proud of themselves. The two (mostly Zayne) of them are getting better about playing in each others territory and Zayne is becoming more tolerable of his sister. He continues to be a fan of the camera. Loves to flirt with the ladies where ever he goes, and continues to give out kisses. He is such a sweet boy. 

Life continues to be busy. I imagine that it will remain this way for the foreseeable future, although I wouldn’t have it any other way. We are truly blessed. It’s good to be back in Montana. Although we miss Utah. It is nice to be here. We are getting settled more and more each day. We are developing our routine and working on our schedule. This has been challenging and I give Zoe and Zayne credit for how well they are for all they have been through. It was hard to develop our own routine and schedule while in Utah. It was really one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and survival mode. I give Andy and I even more credit. It is much more relaxing being home,somehow we do find time to relax.  

Zayne had his pulmonology appointment in Billings. We have been anticipating this appointment since it was with a new Dr. (the only one in the state) and one that I am sure we will be getting to know well. He was impressed with Zayne and how well he is doing. He really did not make any changes with Zayne and his oxygen, only a few minor med changes. He too said had he “first heard our story,” and then “met Zayne,” he would not believe he is the kid that belong to the story. He said “Yes, essentially he should not be here today.” Andy and I both know that Zayne is doing great, better than anyone(many, many Doctors) anticipated. The hard part is that they always talk about how “bad his lungs are,” “he has very bad chronic lungs,” “very bad BPD,” or “his lungs are very small and damaged.” What it comes down to is that Zayne is doing great, amazing, and way better than expected. The bottom line is that we can’t argue with the results. Therefore, it makes it hard for these Doctors to know how Zayne will do and when he will come off of oxygen, what we do know is it is going to take time and be a slow process. Andy and I are completely prepared and accepting of this. Every day we look at him and every day we are with him and see what a fighter he is, we know how well he is doing and he will continue to improve and get stronger every day. All-in-all we felt good leaving the appointment. We joked that it was a far better experience leaving Billings clinic this time around vs last April.

We stopped by to see my Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor who gave us the news about Zayne last April. I still vividly remember him having  us come sit in his office and telling us that Baby B was in “grave danger,” that it was a “poor outcome for baby B,” and “slim chance of survival.” Andy and I were talking before going to Billings that we will never forget how at the end of the appointment he reclined back in his chair and crossed his legs and said what I will say is this “these guys prove me wrong all the time,” “I find it shocking how well Baby B is doing right now.” We knew then we had a fighter on our hands. This Doctor also told me, there is nothing we can do at this time-It is out of our hands, all you can do is have “hope and faith.” It is those words of encouragement, knowing it was out of my control that got me through this. That Doctor is truly a Saint, a walking angel. He gave me hope without even knowing it and I continued the rest of the pregnancy holding on to hope and faith, it’s all I had. I joke that I prayed more in the 33 weeks of pregnancy than I have my whole life. So, we stopped to see him and I was so proud to show off two babies too him. He was so glad to see the 4 of us, he was genuine and heartfelt. He told us he really gets attached to his patients and that it was hard for him to send us to SLC, but now he knows we were where we needed to be. At the end he told us to keep in touch, I gave him two pictures of Zoe and Zayne and I said please share our story and give other Moms and Dads hope.

The most Mountain goats I have ever seen at once.

We went from Billings to Red lodge and spent two nights in Red Lodge on a little well deserved mini vaca. It was so nice to get away. We took the kiddos swimming, went out for dinner one night, drove the bear tooth highway, and had a BBQ with friends. We saw a huge heard of Mountain goats on our drive up the Bear Tooth Highway. We stopped to take pictures, of course I didn’t have my zoom lense with. But, It was so cool because I saw a Mama out by herself with her baby and as I looked closer I saw that she was a Mama of twins…two little babies following behind her. We then got back to our little place and Andy went to let the dogs out and right on our patio was a 2-ish year old Black Bear. This is why we love Montana. The kiddos were great the whole time we were away. We really couldn’t expect any better

Little black bear that was right on our deck. 

Her Favorite. She loves the water. 

He loved being able to go in the floaty. Andy was so proud of this thrift store find :)

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So what else for June? Andy’s Aunt Connie and Grandma Lorraine came to visit. It was so great to have them here and have them help out. Andy’s Grandma has eagerly been waiting to see the babies. I am so grateful she made the trip out here. Truly, truly treasured memories.  And what a hoot that woman is, I hope I grow old like her. I can’t Thank the two of them enough for all their help. Andy and I were able to have a garage sale while they were here. We are in the process of minimizing. I feel we literally sold half of our Garage and Crawl space,with more to go. It is such a great feeling. Over this past year we have realized more than ever what is important in life. Needs vs. wants. We joke that we could live in a tent and be completely happy. Live simply! We have been home for a month and we still have no TV. I love it and Andy actually admits he two really enjoys it and doesn’t miss it (come football season that may change). But it is so wonderful. We spend great quality time in the evening with the babies just listening to music. It is so calming and relaxing. And although Andy and I don’t get a whole lot of one on one time just hanging with them in the evenings listening to music and playing is somehow calming and relaxing for both of us. I am also so thrilled that their room is complete and actually in use (well sort-of) and looks like a nursery. It actually brought tears to my eyes as it got done and was somewhat healing for me. It was always hard to come back to Bozeman for a visit and look at the nursery we never got to use and also knowing I never put up a second crib in fear of losing Zayne. Now it feels complete. And... Somehow I will make it work for 3 in there. Although at this time Zayne is in our room for the foreseeable future.  

My Dad and Grandma also came to visit us in June. It has been a busy month for us. My Dad has a pretty big soft spot in his heart for Zayne, and Zayne is pretty fond of his Grandpa scooter. He brought his bag pipes again so Zayne got to hear his music.  It was also nice having these two out for a visit. 

We finally had our first OB appointment here in Bozeman for Baby C. All continues to be going well and over all I feel great. What a blessing. I really have no complaints.  It is nice to establish care here with my doctor and talk about our plan. I am working hard at trying to enjoy a nice normal pregnancy. I definitely  don't take for granted being able to go for walks or the minor complaints that come with pregnancy. I am thankful for every evening  we walk we get. 

All dressed up for a friends wedding we went to. 

I am not sure why I have not posted this blog. I keep coming back to it thinking I have missed stuff (I want to capture it all) I am sure I do miss things. But for now... This is June. Time fly's.

Baby What?

A, B....C? no Zoe and Zayne are not yet learning their ABC's. I figured it was time to post a blog (or go back and make sure there is a blog post) on the latest and greatest craziness in out lives.

Back in January. I went to a class at the University titled "Will my next baby be preterm?" I had always wanted to go to this class throughout our NBICU stay. Andy on the other hand was pretty much like "No, not needed. We are not doing this again."

Their was a part of me that has always wanted 3 kids...Andy 2. When I brought Zoe home, I thought to myself, Having one would of been nice. Honestly, I don't even know how these thoughts pop in your head because as a Mama they make you feel awful. But, I am just being honest and saying that the thought crossed my mind.

So, Back to the class. One day the social worker in the NBICU came and told Andy that I should really attend that class.  So, Andy came home and said "I really think you should go to this class, it would be good for you." I was like "Okay, great- Do I really need to go though? Well, I will go." It was put on by he Doctor who was suppose to deliver Zoe and Zayne so that is another reason why I wanted to go.

It was a great class and was very interesting. I learned that after delivering preterm, you automatically fall into a 30% category of delivering preterm again (well that is kind-of scary). This Doctor goes over ways to prevent or help in delivering preterm again. Her biggest take home "Wait 18 months in between pregnancies." Okay. I did ask her though, that I felt my story really didn't fall into a category because it was so rare. Her response was "I don't really know where to put you." She said "There will never be 100 Kellie's for us to study, I will probably never see another Kellie." But that she felt I still fall into that 30% regardless and that waiting 18 months would be best. So we chatted afterwards and came up with a plan. I would call her the following week.

Let me humor you, I think prior to going to this class, I took a home pregnancy test. HAHA right, that's funny. Whew.  It was negative. I remember calling my good friend Lorissa and telling her. Both of us were kind-of laughing. I remember her saying, "oh, you will do that often after having a baby, until things get back to normal." Okay, good "at least this is normal , right?"

So a week goes by and I think nothing of it. One day as I am getting into the shower. I think well I have one more test left, I might as well humor myself.  So I take the test, set it aside  and think nothing of it. As I am getting into the shower I take a quick peek at the test lying there... Wait a freakin second...Is there 2 lines there? Most freaking definitely. To say I was shocked, is a understatement. I think I was instantly numb. I remember thinking "how the heck am I going to tell Andy this one?"

God doesn't prevent stupidity, that I am well aware of. But, Never did I think this is something that would happen. It took us two years for Zoe and Zayne. So, It was the furthest thing from my mind. Not to mention the amount of stress that we were under being in the NBICU.

Andy was in California when I found out. So I had pretty much a week of keeping this info to myself, freaking out, and trying to process it even a little bit. I remember calling Andy everyday "Have you done your presentation yet?" The answer continued to be No. Then on Thursday he called quickly and said "Hey, we just finished up and I am going to the bar to have a drink and I will call you later." (in my head I was thinking, hold on one minute and I will really give you something to have a drink about). I told him that I really needed to talk to him. I was so nervous and so scared to tell him. I was shaking on the other end. He later told one of his friends that he assumed I was going to tell him I spent $300 at target or something (as he knows how frugal I am with money). "I am pretty sure I am pregnant!" His response- "Oh, my god." Now we are both in shock. I really didn't want to tell him over the phone but, I felt he needed some bar time and a flight home to process this news.

Again, I would be lying if thoughts didn't go through our head such as "we can't go through with this pregnancy." Zayne had literally just got discharged from the NBICU. My thoughts were I physicallty and emotionally can not do this, Andy agreed. That itself is a feeling you never want to think about and when you do have these thoughts its followed by many guilty feelings. I remember thinking... Hmm, I think this ones due date will be close to the twins original due date. I calculated it out one day, close? Yep, close as in the same due date. 9-18. Weird. What are the chances?

I called my Doctor in SLC, I was suppose to call anyways this week as we had a plan. Little did she know plans changed. When she called me back  I said "I think I am pregnant." Her response "Are you serious?!" Yep, I think I am.
I then called my Doctor here in Bozeman, partly for support, but also knowing she would probably be caring for me, and also she was such a help with Zoe and Zayne. I sent her a text and let her know it was no rush in calling me back. She called me later that evening. The first thing she said is "I was hoping that I am not calling you because of postpartum depressions." I told her I was really trying to avoid it.  I told her the news and she was genuinely excited/thrilled. I remember telling her "at least someone is happy." She said that "this is so great, that she is so happy for us, and that we deserve this."

We do deserve this right? This is truly a gift from above. Someone once said "surprise pregnancy's are the best one." Andy also said "I want nothing more than for you to have a normal pregnancy." Normal, how can I have a normal pregnancy? Will I?

I made my first appointment. I did have the conversation of what my options. I had to have a early U/S as I had a ectopic  pregnancy prior to the twins. (Yes, the past two years have been incredible). When I went in for the U/S, I went by myself. I was also put in the same room where we did all of Z&Z U/S's- so I had just a little bit of anxiety. I remember them saying "there's your baby," and part of me wishing it was in the wrong spot or not developed enough. I then saw my Doctor and the NP, and they answered my question, gave hugs in support, and told me they supported me regardless of what we do. I then would have a U/S again in 3 weeks as this one was a little bit behind where it should be (Just like Zayne was).

Baby C

So 3 weeks later I went in, again by myself, again in the same room as where we were with Z&Z. They took a quick peak and sure enough, there was the baby. It's little fist were up as if it were boxing, making a boxing motion. Okay, this is the real deal... and how the heck do people look at that and still make the decision to not follow through with the pregnancy. As I saw these two little fist boxing at me, the tears started flowing, I was completely overwhelmed in emotions. I then went to see my Dr. and the NP. The NP asked me if I had any questions, as I sat there crying... my one question, "What kind of vehicle will I drive?" As she laughed at me and gave me a hug (she too has twins) She said "well, if this were to happen to any one it happened to the right person, if this is your only question, you are going to do just fine." She then told me, all you can do is laugh. Laugh your way through this. Things are going to be great and you guys are going to do great.

Things are going to be great and we are going to be great. Things happen for a reason. My friend Bethany also told "if this was going to happen to any one, it would happen to you." So true, this is my luck. Only this time we really are lucky. We feel blessed to be chosen and given this gift.

I have had a hard time processing it and enjoying this pregnancy which is unfortunate but also to be expected. Having the same due date hasn't been easy, as every milestone with this baby is a reflection back on Z&Z most being us not knowing if baby B would make it.

Our announcement. They actually cooperated :) 

We chose not to tell anyone (our primaries knew) until sometime around 22-23 weeks. Basically waited until viability, and until we got to where we were with the twins when we got sent to SLC. I had our pics taken by a retired NBICU nurse who has a similar story to ours. When we went to finish our pics with Zayne, I told her our news. She too chuckled but said it's going to be great. As we were leaving, I asked her if it was really hard. She said "I am not going to lie, it was the hardest thing I did." "I cried a lot." "But, it was the best thing that ever happened to us, and it cured me from the NBICU experience." I really took that to heart and still hold on to that advice.

When we were getting ready to leave SLC, my favorite Doctor stopped over to say good-bye. He was the resident that was suppose to deliver Z&Z also. The last thing he said to me was "Do me a favor, Don't let post traumatic stress ruin the enjoyment of this pregnancy." I told him I would do my best. I will say it has been far from easy to enjoy it for many reasons. But, I am hoping that now that I have made it past 33 weeks I can enjoy it from here on out. Also Z&Z keep me so busy that I don't have time to even think about being pregnant. Some days I just look at Andy, point to this belly, and ask "how is this really happening?" He reminds me "your having a baby."

So there is our story about Baby C. This pregnancy has been going great. I have had lots of appointments, lots of U/S, and Andy has to give me a weekly injection (He is sure by now that he is deserving of a Honorary Nursing degree, I agree). I have felt great through most of this pregnancy, other than wicked tailbone pain. I have been told I need to do PT for it, although finding time in between Zayne's cares, therapy, appointments, and my appointments, and twins makes it somewhat difficult. Baby C is measuring small so they have continued to do growth U/S and make  sure the baby is still growing. I already spent one night in labor due to having contractions every 3 minutes and was given a medication to stop/slow them down. It wouldn't be our journey without a little excitement. I am still working on processing this all. I am scared and nervous. I know I am taking the proper measure for myself, Andy, and Zoe and Zayne. I also know that this is a blessing, and even though I may not see it now or be able to process it now, in a few short weeks we will be meeting someone special who will reassure me. Back in June, I had to get my labs drawn and I have had my labs drawn by this same guy several times so we have a bit of a bond. As I told him our story of the past year and of Baby C, He says "I think it is great, you are lucky, some people would give anything to be in your shoes." I continue to remember this and remind myself of this. I know many people would give anything to be in our shoes.  We are lucky to have been blessed with these 3 miracles, no matter how close they come. Life happens on it's own, when it wants to. Andy likes to say "we are just efficient."

"Every Good and Perfect Gift is sent from Above."

Catching up..Again (April)

Huh, so here it is the end of June. I had great intentions of keeping up with this blog. Now I feel I am going to have to do a summarized-long-bullet blog to get caught up. With once again a goal of keeping caught up in the future. I am writing this in a word doc. I think that now as we do things, go places, or I just feel the need to write, I am going to write in here on word and that way it will be saved and easier to transfer over.

So, I think I have to go all the way back to April (good thing I jot down everything in my calendar). The Twins turned 8 months in April. Zayne weighs about 14# 15oz. I know Zayne’s up-to-date weight more than Zoe’s because he gets weighed at his speech therapy appointments. Zoe is around the 15 ½# mark. They continue to be doing great.

Two little bunnies. Great Grandmas Sweaters. 

My mom and Jocelyn came out to visit over Easter, Andy had to travel to CA- So I needed the help. My mom and Joc got into SLC. They came to our Apartment and we had a little Easter egg hunt for Joc. The bunny had already stopped by and left the twins some gifts.  The bunny was good to Jocelyn also and she even got a special little “golden egg with a secret message.” We later made dinner and then took the twins to their hotel and took them swimming. Zoe loves, loves the water and Zayne is quickly becoming a fan. Overall I had a great visit with my Mom and Jocelyn and it was so nice to have the help. My Mom likes to joke that she came all this way and her first job was getting Klyde’s haircut.

Easter family photo. 

Cool Dude. 

April 11^th- April 11 is Andy’s Birthday. I am so fortunate for his amazing group of friends as 3 of his high school buddies made their way to SLC to spend Andy’s birthday with him. These guys are such a riot to be around. They never change. We went out for dinner for Andy’s bday, Maureen watched both of the babies for us. Andy’s friends surprised us with a card and a check. They did a surprise fundraiser for us. It was quite emotional to receive the gift of money. I know it really touched Andy as all the donations came from Jamestown friends, families, co-workers, coaches, teachers etc. Please know that we are forever thankful and grateful for your kindness and willingness and generosity to help out a family in a difficult time. We will pay it forward.

This was another good weekend had by all. We hung out, relaxed, BBQ’d, ate good food, We had many good laughs, and the boys had a good time reminiscing over a few cocktails. I love these guys and this amazing group of friends they have.

April 13^th- Andy and I got invited to join the U of U in their Suite at the last home Jazz game. We were uncertained if this is really something that we wanted to do. But, we found somone to watch Zayne- His buddy Jace, and we took Zoe with us. We are glad that we went and were given this opportunity to do so. We were invited because Andy had wrote a letter to help the U of U get a grant in order to build a family center in the NBICU. And because of his letter they were awarded the grant. We also like to joke that after a 164 day NBICU stay this is what you get. Completely Joking!

April 25- April 27-  Well it didn't take long for us to decide to take a visit to Bozeman. Once we took Zayne off of High flow and had a couple good nights with him, we decided we wanted to take the trip back and be at home for awhile. We left around 5pm, Z&Z did great. We made one stop for dinner, and they had one minor melt down prior to falling asleep. They really are great travelers. It was great to get back to Bozeman, be in our own home, and visit with our friends. Andy and I also said had we not known we rented out place out we never would of known we had renters in there, they took great care of our house. 

Me, Zoe, and Zayne caught a little cold while we were home, go figure! Mine didn't last more than a day and half...Guess that's the power of being a Mom. Both Z&Z are still fighting a cough, they thought Zoe had croup but after taking her medication with zero improvement I feel she just has a general cold. Either way sleep has been minimal over the past week or two due to this dang cold. I am ready for it to go else where. 

We got to enjoy some hang out time with many of our friends while home which was very nice. I also got to go up to my work and visit everyone there, I took Zoe and Zayne with and they got to see the Doctor who originally was seeing us, I was glad I got to show her them.

We put together the double jogging stroller that my Dad bought for us, it was nice to take them out in that stroller vs. the Limo stroller we have been using here in SLC,
Zoe started to become very vocal while we were home. She is growing and changing everyday. I truly cherish the moments. It does go fast, so fast. But I continue to remember what nurse Nona said.. "She always enjoys the stage that they are in, never wishing for it to be earlier or later." One day (April 29) while Andy was at work Zoe spent the day saying "Da-da, da-da" just making the sound not knowing it really meant something... Later the evening we had friends over and Andy was grilling us burgers and she started doing it again, I brought her over to Andy so he could hear "Da-da." The look on his face was priceless... she has since forgot that word.

We stayed in Bozeman for a little over a week. It's a bit emotional for me going back. It's so hard to reflex on all that we have been through. Then to get home and see their room that they have never got to use, to realize there is not much normalcy for what we have been doing the last year. Sometimes I feel like we are missing out or they are missing out. But, then again I look at what we have done and gone through over the past year and I am amazed. Sometimes I have a hard time explaining it all, mainly cause I still think I am trying to process it all- but, right now is just a emotional time for me in general.

Love his smile and happiness. 

Zoe and Zayne turned 9 months on May 2nd. They spent it in their Montana home :) They both continue to be such happy babies and over all content. They are slowly starting to interact with each other. Zoe loves pretties (necklaces) her friend Stella got her a teething necklace that I can wear and she can chew on. Zoe has a lot of personality but can get quite around others Andy and I joke that she loves to be in Zoe land (when she met my ob Dr. she was very vocal and my Dr. says "It's good to have personality Zoe.") At 9 month Zoe still only had one tooth, this past week she got her 2nd one.. again she wants everyone to know that she has something to cry about. She got her 2nd tooth on May 13, started to scoot on May 14, and started to sit on her own on May 15. I guess she has been eating her wheaties when we aren't looking. She continues to be so funny and full of laughs. Zoe currently weighs 16# 5oz and is 26 1/2 inches long as of May 9.

So happy.

Friends, Maybe?

Just love this face.

Zayne is also doing great. He has 2 teeth. He also is so happy but recently hasn't been afraid to show his little temper that he has. He also is the sweetest little guy despite that temper, he loves loves to give kisses, especially to his Mama. He decided too that he wasn't going to let his sister get too far ahead of him as he too can pretty much sit on his own, a bit wobbely but he can do it. He doesn't scoot and doesn't really roll over, he has rolled 1-2 times. We joke that he is just really smart and knows that it's not comfy on his g-tube. One of Zayne's favorite activities is sitting on the couch with his Dad and relaxing before bedtime. He loves his jumper. He continues to be doing great on just nasal cannula. They both love bath time, we took them swimming again today which they both absolutely love.

 I have to include this photo. As we were home in Montana, we stumbled upon our white board that we used for weekly updates of the twins during pregnancy. It was kindof emotional for both Andy and I as we saw this white board and our last update was 23 weeks, It was only a few days after that we took the flight to SLC not knowing what was in store for us and not ever expecting it to be one year later that we would return to Bozeman. 

We are in the process of getting ready to go back to Montana. I am working on transferring all Zayne's medical records, setting up Dr appts, and getting therapy and home health and equipment all set up. We will be heading back to Montana in the near future. That too is bitter sweet and has me emotional. It's been a journey and we have created a family down here through the University... Many who have impacted out lives, who we will never forget... who we can never thank enough. 

I am going to make my last post on caringbridge when we get home to Bozeman. I will then continue to post and journal on our personal blog. Many have asked for that web address. Please email, text, or message me facebook for that address. We want to keep in contact with those from the university who have came into our lives. Thank you for being a part of this journey. 

More updates to come. Hopefully sooner than Later. I have a big goal of getting caught up soon. 
If you were following us on caringbridge, please follow us here.  Oh, and I need a new name for this blog. Input welcome.. Thanks.