This day. Big Mountain, not so big.

Looking at her Papa! "Teach me"

Dec. 6th, 2015:  Today. So needed. My heart is so full. I told Andy that it is exploding with Joy! Yesterday I let Andy go snowboarding as it is free week if you have a frequent card and I knew it was needed for his mind and soul. He got home and quickly said I really want you to go tomorrow. I think he knew that it would be good for my mind and soul. I really had no interest going by myself. I have too much to get done around here  (laundry is never ending, diapers and Tupperware are continually strewed across the floor etc.) and with Christmas presents... But we decided it was worth it to go (you only live once) and to pay for a babysitter being it's free week and come Thursday we lose our babysitter due to Christmas break. Let me just say it was worth every minute of Pay. "Collect Moments not Things right?' I had the best day. It was perfect. Minus two were missing, please no comments as it will make my heart feel worse. I thought I would miss that Big Mountain, those big runs, but I have a whole knew perspective on that big mountain and see it through such different eyes (is this really going to happen with my snowmachine too?). Seeing Zoe's eyes light up for her first snow experience (not only was this her first snowboarding experience, it was her first time in snow) her bright smile as she made her runs, made my heart explode with Joy! I loved watching her wave her hands in the snow, questioning "what this beautiful white stuff was (it looks like diamonds Mom?)" Seeing the Joy in her face, the smile, and her eyes light up as she went down the "big mountain" on our snowboards, it was all I needed as far as a big mountain run. Andy asked me if I wanted to go do some "runs," on my own, but no, actually I am content right here watching this. I am sure she was the only 16 month old riding down the "big mountain" on Mom and Dad's boards. 16 Months=4 laps=shreddin' (who says you can't do it on a board!)

"enojoy the little things in life, for one day you will look back, and realize they were the big things."

Playing. This is what life is about!

Our little shredder. Showin' them how it's done at 16 months! "What? I got this!" "Who needs skis!"

Look out girls!

Zayne and Ziah you are next. My heart is sad you are not with.

"Dad, this white stuff is so fun and so cool...It sparkles!"

"Mom can do it too Dad!"

Me and Mama!

Life is good!

Look at me and my Mom

That time...

You got this Boy! Toughest man I know!

I find it weird how this time of year approaches and all of the sudden you are flooded with emotions. Maybe it's not even "that time of year" (Christmas) but more so the events that took place this prior year. Last year this time we were still dividing our time between our (temporary) Home and the NBICU (our Home). Wait, isn't home suppose to be Bozeman? Aren't we suppose to be "Home" in Bozeman as a family of 4? HOME... It has a whole new definition. By the end of our time in SLC, Andy and I said, "we could live in a tent, as long as we are together that is what matters"

I sit here and find myself emotional and tearful. I miss SLC. I miss the family we created there, and somehow I miss the Women's Special Care Unit and the NBICU. As I put up our tree tonight and hung the decorations, sat and chit-chatted with Andy as the 3 were sleeping, I couldn't help but have tears in my eyes. I thought of last Christmas, how torn we were, as it was our first Christmas with kiddos, but our first Christmas that we couldn't spend all together. I put up our tree and as I did I couldn't fight back the tears as so many ornaments are from SLC, or those special someone's who cared for us during the most challenging times. I wonder, how do these feelings occur? The answer.. You all were there for us during the most challenging of times. I don't look back on this time as a negative experience, as a sad experience, awful, bad, miserable etc. Difficult,,, Yes. Would I change....umm, maybe. But, probably not, I honestly can say that I can look back on our stay and I can smile. I know we were where we needed to be. I know that it is because of the University of Utah that my little ones are here today!

I sometimes feel a bigger connections/desire to be in SLC than I do Bozeman. I ask myself Why?

Jace, you are the man. You have no Idea what this meant/means to me.

 We created a family there. When I had nobody, when I felt most alone, when the odds were against us, were against Zayne, We created a family. These people were there for us during the most challenging times. They helped us stay strong, stay positive, and focus on the good that we had (even if that meant leaving as a family of 3). They fought the fight with us, every.step.of.the.way. We couldn't have done it without them. You know who you are. Nurses, Doctors, Fellows, NP'S, RT's, Pharmacy, Lactation, Aides, Reception, Radiology, Transport, Flight, Residents. Etc. We wouldn't have made it without you.

So as this time approaches, there are tears, there is sadness, there is the feeling that I miss SLC. But, it is bittersweet. I am so Happy. My heart is so full, and I am so Grateful.  Be proud of yoursleves and all that you have done. You made a difference in our lives, We are forever Grateful to all of you. You are our family. It is because of you that I get to look at my Son daily and see his fight and determination with a smile (well that and he is a bada$$, excuse me fighter/Batman...He is Batman) But, You.. You all made a difference.

I know these times may never get easier, or maybe they will get easier, but this reflection process will always be there. Which is okay, it makes me a better person, a better Mom. I have learned so much through this journey. I feel so blessed to that we were chosen to take on this journey. I able to smile more and more as I look back and realize what a fighter he is, What a fighters they both are, If it weren't for Zoe, Zayne would not be here.

Ivonne..Little did I know she would become a favorite of ours. Singing "twinkle, twinkle, little Star"

"Sweet Hailey! I promise He is a Ute Fan."

Oh Virginia... How will we ever forget or thank you for that precious moment of allowing us to hold him for the first time at 10 days old." Thankyou!!

Lindsey! You just "get it" you really do! and you have your own Z team at home!

Knuckles... Enough said! Man Cave! Thanks for being there!

Umm... Are we your longest Patient? I mean from Moms bedrest to my 164 day stay? Thanks for keeping my Mom smiling and positive.

She loved him. They all did

Another heart he captured.

I made you retire?? Thanks for your love. 

Biggest NBICU good-bye! He is a celebrity!

This picture says so much!

He's coming! Your Brother is coming home!

Famiy of 4!!!

So, maybe this post comes premature (haha). And maybe I will post the same thing/pics come January. But, I felt these emotions last December as we prepared for Zayne's discharge, and now again I feel the same emotions and the reflection even maybe a bit more intense. Now, this is a reflection of you... and all that you have done. You, made a difference... but, I know this guy has made a difference in many, many lives. Thank you!

"I thank you for being a part of our Journey." 
"Embrace the Journey."

I wrote this last night and prior to going to bed I stumbled across this. Like someone was listening to me and knew I needed to read this. It's as if I wrote it. Such a good post.

http://themighty.com/2015/12/6-things-i-wish-id-known-about-recovering-from-emotional-trauma/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Mighty_Page&utm_campaign=GENERAL